5/1/06 03:37 am (UTC) - zgirl714 - Re: Thanks so much. :)
Masaki Murakami – rebel Proto-Zoalord, investigative reporter, and all-around thorn in the side of the Chronos Corporation – looked around for the small, well-camouflaged tent that he had set up sometime earlier. Hidden inside that flimsy-looking little scrap of canvas was his one and only weakness: his six-year-old son Kenji Murakami. Kenji’s mother, Masaki’s wife, had been killed in the firebombing of the Murakami household just after Chronos had made him into a Proto-Zoalord and he had gone on the run.
Hmmm, is it from Masaki's POV? Or omnipotent view? If it is Masaki's view and his voice pushing the narrative along then you have a problem. Why would he say that he is the rebel yadda yadda and not say the name of his wife? This whole paragraph is pretty chunky exposition.
You don't need to italicize thoughts if you make it clear that they are thoughts. Italicizing stuff like that is a writing crutch which, from what I see from your writing, you don't need.
The chunky exposition is everywhere. Its better to show like have a little flashback or scene where Kenji is hidden in the car and Masaki reflects that he wishes that he didn't have to do that every time or something.
I think that the problems with exposition is the main thing to focus on. All you have to do is work on that and your fic will be vastly improved.
5/1/06 04:32 am (UTC) - ingriam - Re: Thanks so much. :)
Thanks again. I know that I tend to go a little overboard with the exposition, so thanks for not going easy on that. I'm pretty sure that that habit comes from reading too many Animorphs books.
They were structured that way so that even a newbie could understand the canon. I know that not evryone has read the manga or seen the OAV's, in fact I'm reasonably sure that not too many people have. Hence the exposition.
I mean, I know what it means when I refer to a Zoalord, a Proto-Zoalord, a Guyver-Killer or a Hyper Zoanoid, but not that many people do. So I try to provide an explination.
5/1/06 05:33 am (UTC) - zgirl714 - Re: Thanks so much. :)
But that is the benefit for writing fanfiction as your audience knows the material. You don't have to tell them who so and so is because they already know and probably have the fansite. People don't usually read fanfic for fandoms that they don't know about,in fact I don't that more than 3% of people do. There are much more subtle ways to let people know what is going on and who people are. Try to work it into a scene that demostrates something and the like. Challenge your readers.
5/1/06 06:42 am (UTC) - ingriam - Re: Thanks so much. :)
This is why I enjoy getting honest concrit so much, it helps me improve. What would your suggestions for more subtle ways of introuducing the information be?
Granted, I'm probably not going to go back over 55+ chapters and rewrite them, since doing that would drive me completely out of my mind, but it will help with the sequel I'm working on. I could give you a link to the story in its most completed form, so you could review it in that stage.
Of course not! It's really the only way that I can get any ideas how to improve. :) Besides, I like having an honest opinion from someone who's not a fan. It helps me to know how well I'm explaining things.
Here's the story, starting from the chapter you haven't read yet.